Only A Bag Of Poo Denies His Girlfriend

Not even a flaming bag of poo would deny
a long relationship with his girlfriend

It is with great regret that we pull the blanket over the flaming dead corpse of the Herman Cain presidential campaign, slain not by his delightfully wacky ideas or his history of sexually abusing women, but because of his denial of a simple, loving, long-term love affair.
Everybody loved Cain's spouting off on foreign policy, his promise to read up to one page of information a day, and the clever way he planned to deal with crises: ask someone who knows what the hell they're talking about, and do whatever they say. Some people were disturbed by reports that he liked to shove his hand up a lady's skirt without asking permission first, but many leaders of his political party defended him as just doing what men do. (This is really helpful information, because it puts people on notice: don't be alone in a room with Sean Hannity!)
But now Herman is denying his girlfriend. Not even a total flaming sack of poo denies his girlfriend!