Vitality Mitigation Commissions: Don't Call Them Death Panels!

What to wear to your
Vitality Mitigation Commission
hearing.

The Republican National Committee announced that its plan for Medicare uses private-sector Vitality Mitigation Commissions to bring the freedom of the market to everyday medical decisions.

Unlike Death Panels, Vitality Mitigation Commissions (or VMCs) do not determine who lives and who dies. Instead, they merely determine who lives. Whether you die is your own choice.

"Some Americans without medical care will choose to die" said plan architect Paul Ryan. "Others will choose to live with crippling, incurable and/or preventable conditions. This Freedom To Choose is how our Plan saves money - money that for the most part would have been wasted of medicine and medical devices. Most of those medicines are made in foreign countries, so they don't create American jobs. We put the money we save into second vacation homes and corporate jets, which create many jobs for servants right here in America!"

Pundits cheered the introduction of VMCs. "For too long, America has been held captive to Government policies that sent many grandmothers to medical care which often meant they died long after God had called them, and sometimes in a hospice, hospital or assisted care facility," said a man in a suit on TV. "Privatized Vitality Mitigation Commissions, run by health insurance companies, will allow grandmothers to die at home or in the street, surrounded by the medical bills that will reassure their grandchildren that she could have received the technologically best medical care, if only she had not helped put them through college."

The Flaming Bag of Poo 2012 Campaign issued a press release endorsing VMCs. "Vitality Mitigation Commissions" would fit naturally into the Republican Platform," said a spokesman, "Right next to the Flaming Bag of Poo himself!"

Rupert Murdoch Steps In A Flaming Bag of Poo!

Murdoch and
Flaming Bag of Poo

Rupert Murdoch has really stepped in the Flaming Bag of Poo!
Murdoch's operation has been caught bribing police officers to help them listen in on the phonemail of rape victims, of 911 victims and others. The head of Scotland Yard (which is basically comparable to our American FBI) has resigned in disgrace.
There are those who have a problem with Murdoch spreading b.s., and who would like to limit Murdoch's ability to stoke fear and shape  our politics. I disagree with them; you can't make a steak without producing a pile of B.S.! So unless you're some sort of vegetarian, you must support the production of b.s. and what more environmentally sensitive way to dispose of it can there be than to disperse it through NewsCorp?
I stand squarely underneath the mighty foot of Rupert Murdoch: I support his efforts to bring a flaming bag of poo to every home in America!
Murdoch has not yet given me a formal endorsement, but his actions show the kind of America he is looking for: one in which the police take bribes, the press spread fear, and your private telephone calls are for sale to the highest bidder. If that's what Rupert wants, then that's what I want too - a bag of poo like me is willing hold any kind of poo that you put in it - that's why I am the ideal candidate for the Republican nomination!
Thank you Rupert! You are truly an inspiration to flaming bags of poo everywhere!

Budget Ceiling Is A Flaming Bag Of Poo

Debt Ceiling Panic
On While House Lawn

Washington, DC - Security video shows little Eric Cantor and his pal Johnny "Crybaby" Boehner filling a bag of poo, labelling it "Debt Ceiling" and putting it on the White House lawn. They then set it on fire, rang the doorbell and called a press conference to announce that it was Obama's fault.
Old Man Obama opened the door of the White House. "Hey, Obama," said Boehner, "Are you gonna stomp on that flaming bag of poo? Or are you going to let it burn down the White House? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Obama looked cool, but inside he was probably seething. "There is no need to ignore the fact that you started the fire," he started, but Cantor interrupted, "Hey, it's YOUR problem now. Whatever happens, it's your fault. Do nothing, and we burn down the White House, and possibly the nation. But stomp it out, and you'll get poo all over your shoes. Ha-ha!"
Obama pondered. There was still time to think, since although the thing stank terribly, at least nothing else had caught fire yet. "I think we can solve this problem the same as all earlier presidents and Congresses," he said. "Let's get something to pour onto it and put out the flames. I think your friends have a tax deduction for corporate hets; let's start by pouring those tax expenditures on the fire!"
"Oh no you don't," Cantor objected. "If my friends can't get a tax break for flying around in a jet, that's just unfair. That would be mean. You'd be a mean old meanyhead for taking away tax cuts for private jets. How can you ask CEOs and other top men to fly commercial; they might be exposed to the little people, and that would be unfair!"
Boehner silently agreed, but he couldn't speak; the tears were flowing at the thought that he might not get free airplane trips from his friends. How else could they repay him for all the great stuff he'd gotten them - a reading of the Constitution, transparency rules that he always suspended, and the Ryan plan to turn Medicare over to private insurers. It  was so unfair of mean old Obama!
."Let's try one more thing," said Obama. "If we return to the tax rates of Ronald Reagon, that'll pretty much put out that flaming bag of poo.
"No way!" said Cantor. "Ronald Reagan was a liberal! Did you know he actually talked to the head of the Soviet Union and he raised taxes seven times"
Meanwhile, scientists at the Naval Observatory reported a magnitude 7 quake originating from Simi Valley, California. "Oh, that's just  Reagan" said a scientist, "Whenever one of his spiritual descendants refuse to raise taxes to pay for programs, he spins in his grave. The was things are going, we' hook him up to a generator, we could close down all our nukes!"

Top Five Reasons To Vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012

Vote Flaming Bag of Poo!

Hello fellow Americans!
I'm sure you've all met me at various times, generally on a porch or campground across our great nation, where our time together was short, but memorable. Today, thanks to the Internet, I can present my case without you worrying that it'll stick to the bottom of your shoe. So here they are: the top five reasons to vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012:
5. Honesty.
With my candidacy for President, I open a new era in politics, one in which we can speak honestly and openly about who we really are and what's inside us. Most of the people running for President are full of the same stuff that I am, but are afraid to admit it. I'll say it straight out: I am full of poo! What other candidate is so honest? 
4. Jobs.
Most of the people running for President have no idea about what might get you a decent job, and care even less, but they won't say it because they'd get stomped in the polls. Well, I'm not afraid of that; I've been stomped before, possibly by you. But more to the point, I've never shipped one single job overseas, or sponsored tax breaks for corporations that do it. The stench of job exports isn't coming from the soles of my shoes!
3. History
I've been around American politics for a long, long time. Some of our Founding Fathers were great pranksters - Ben Franklin in particular. When the Declaration of Independence was being debated in the hot, humid Philadelphia summer, someone had to raise moral by bringing a laugh! I'm not naming any names, but if you look very closely at John Trumbull's painting of the signing of the Declaration, you'll see a few spots on somebody's socks!
2. Practical Experience.
They other candidates say that they're going to balance the budget AND cut taxes, without fighting fewer wars or cutting elderly people's Social Security or tax breaks for corporate jets. Everyone knows that's just crazy; everyone knows you can't put ten pounds of poo in a five-pound bag. But only I have actual experience in this area; I am a five-pound bag that someone tried to put ten pounds of poo into. Do you know what it's like to get fed so much fecal matter ... and then they set you on fire! If you've been working in America for the past couple of decades, you know what I'm talking about!
1. It's Not My Pants That Are On Fire!
The 2012 race is setting new records for the number of crazy statements by Presidential candidates that are not merely false, but so amazingly untrue that they are easily debunked - making them not a merely misstatement or slip of the tongue, but a full blown pants-on-fire lie! You're NEVER catch me in a pants-on-fire lie, because I don't have pants and I'm already on fire!
Remember:
For 2012, vote Flaming Bag of Poo!