Irene Flames Out: What God Is Telling Us

Me and My New BFF: Irene!

After days of pantswetting excitement over the impending doom of the entire Eastern Seaboard, Hurricane Irene has turned out to be a disaster movie flop, right up there with The Smurfs. But all is not lost.
For, as a conservative political candidate, I talk to God. And God talks to me. And God sent me a message in the form of Hurricane Irene.
You see, we all hear the voice of God but we don't always understand it, because God loves riddles. The proof of this is the entire universe; it's all a giant riddle! Every time you wonder "what the heck is going on?" you're coming just a little closer to understanding the nature of God's world.
Now the way to figure out what God is saying with HURRICANE IRENE is to rearrange its letters:

• Rare Niche Urine: this is a clear reference to the pantswetting fear described above. Although if I may question the Wisdom of the Almighty for a moment, I should like to point out that fear is not all that rare in the media; far from a niche market, it's their biggest seller. So we'll just have to "agree to disagree" on that one.
• Rune Re China Ire  This sign (Rune) is a warning that China is getting angry! I'm not sure why; maybe it's something to do with we're not buying enough of their stuff or shipping them enough of our jobs.
• Hire A Nice Rerun: God is telling America to vote for someone who's run before. You might think that this would be Obama again, or maybe Palin or Romney, but those are all wrong. I, the Flaming Bag of Poo, have been connected with more cases of the runs than anybody. Clearly, God is telling you to VOTE FOR ME!

Poo / Romney in 2012 - Dog Gone It!

Mitt Romney is the obvious pick for a Vice-Presidential candidate, because he has actual experience travelling around with poo flowing over his head. It's true - read about it in "Romney's Cruel Canine Vacation"
What's really exciting about this true story (confirmed by Snopes) is that it proves that not only is Romney not bothered by pal'ing around with poo, but he thinks it's a badge of honor that he can coolly carry on with his plans as the poo flows.

The mark of a leader is to keep on going where he wants to go, regardless of the fact that his actions are literally scaring the shit out of someone who is depending on him - after all, it's only a dog so who cares!

That's a great quality in a Vice-President, because as we all know from the laws of physics and personal experience:

Poo Flows Downhill!

...and with the 2012 Republican ticket, you can be sure there will be a lot of poo flowing!

Perry/Poo in 2012!

Perry, Poo and French Cuffs! Only In America!

I welcome my fellow bag of poo Rick Perry to the Republican Presidential Nomination Race 2012!
Here you can see us together in a recent meeting of the candidates!
You can see right away that Rick is not as flaming as I am, but he has really good hair and he wears cowboy boots like a real tough guy. 
And look at his suits! These are not any old made-in-America suits: these are French Cuffs! SWEEEEET!!!
You won't see Perry in any cheap knock-offs; over at The Style Forum they know he's got the money to show y'all a real good time!
Some people think that a candidate's political views are the most important thing, but let's be honest: most of the field out there is full of poo and more than a few are so fake that they've got to stay away from lighted candles, lest they burst into flames. I'm know what I'm talking about, because I'm the only candidate for the nomination who'll admit what I'm full of, and I'm already on fire!
I have great hopes for Rick Perry. If anyone is full of it, he is! But look at those cuffs and listen to him talk, and you should be thinking, "Watch out, boy, around birthday time. That cake is dangerous for you, if you know what I mean."