Only A Bag Of Poo Denies His Girlfriend

Not even a flaming bag of poo would deny
a long relationship with his girlfriend

It is with great regret that we pull the blanket over the flaming dead corpse of the Herman Cain presidential campaign, slain not by his delightfully wacky ideas or his history of sexually abusing women, but because of his denial of a simple, loving, long-term love affair.
Everybody loved Cain's spouting off on foreign policy, his promise to read up to one page of information a day, and the clever way he planned to deal with crises: ask someone who knows what the hell they're talking about, and do whatever they say. Some people were disturbed by reports that he liked to shove his hand up a lady's skirt without asking permission first, but many leaders of his political party defended him as just doing what men do. (This is really helpful information, because it puts people on notice: don't be alone in a room with Sean Hannity!)
But now Herman is denying his girlfriend. Not even a total flaming sack of poo denies his girlfriend!

Huckabee Earns Flaming Bag Of Poo Award For Urging Felony Attacks On Voters!

A Flaming Bag of Poo
and a Cartoon Drawing

Congratulations to Fox News Commentator and failed Republican Presidential nominaee Michael Huckabee for urging people to attack the cars of their political opponents!
This remarkably straightforward admission that he cannot win without using violence to pervert the political process earns him the Flaming Bag Of Poo Award for Mid-October 2011.
Only a real bag of sh1t would tell people to damage cars of their political opponents, but Michael is not just any bag of poo - he pretends to be a follower of Jesus Christ. For the record, Jesus never let the air out of anyone's tires (although he did whip the moneychangers that Michael Huckabee now serves).
Slasher Michael's exact words:

“...you just make sure that they don’t go vote.  Let the air out of their tires on election day.  ....  That’s up to you how you creatively get the job done.”

King Peter Will Save Us From Democracy!

Conferring With A Flaming Bag of Poo

Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.) denounced Occupy Wall Street protesters as a "ragtag mob" and "anarchists" during a Friday radio show.
"The fact is these people are anarchists. They have no idea what they're doing out there," King said. "They have no sense of purpose other than a basically anti-American tone and anti-capitalist. It's a ragtag mob basically." 
“We have to be careful not to allow this to get any legitimacy,” he added “I’m taking this seriously in that I’m old enough to remember what happened in the 1960s when the left-wing took to the streets and somehow the media glorified them and it ended up shaping policy. We can’t allow that to happen.” 
King is absolutely right! Letting people shape policy led to the horrors of Civil Rights, in which people who don't have a proper pale complex vote! It also led to our abandonng a land war in Asia that we could still be fighting today if it weren't for media coverage of the majority of Americans opposed to it. Remember: if we were still fighting in Vietnam, we wouldn't have the troops to be fighting a war in Afghanistan - and wouldn't that be good for everyone! 
The Republican Party is having a lot of trouble finding a Presidential candidate who doesn't blurt out "Vaccinations Cause Mental Retardation!"  or "Corporations Are People, My Friend!"
Peter King is the answer! He's unafraid to state plainly what the problem is: the 1960s got too many people voting. Too much democracy is a problem for the better sort of people, who deserve to be running our nation because (A) they wear suits; (B) they are kind of pale; and (C) they have most of the money.
King's straightforward and honest demand that the media not to report on news that could lead to an outbreak of democracy makes him the logical candidate for the Republican Nomination for President in 2012. He's exactly the man America needs to save itself from the unsavory 99%.
I would be happy to be his running mate - I want to be Peter King's #2 because with King in charge, all America will be deep in Number Two!
Why vote for a President when you can have a King? Vote King/Poo in 2012!!!

Gessler Poops On Troops! (#GOP war on voting victory!)

The Biggest Flaming Sack
of Poo in Colorado
Scott Gessler Poops
on the Troops!

Congratulate Colorado Republican Secretary of State Scott Gessler for blocking dozens of servicemembers serving in combat from voting!

Gessler is suing to block plans by Pueblo County to mail ballots to 64 voters who are overseas in combat. His reasoning is that those 64 voters didn't vote in 2010, and therefore they might not be valid voters! They need to leave combat and go to the county clerk's office to prove that they aren't dead or illegal aliens.

Gessler has a point. Millions of illegal aliens have snuck into our armed forces and got sent into combat just so they can vote in the 2012 election! I congratulate Gessler and his brave Republicans who (although not interested in risking their health in combat themselves) are still courageously blocking combat troops from potentially casting a ballot.
I may be a flaming bag of poop, but I am completely overwhelmed by the majestically huge stinking sack of flaming shit that is Colorado Secretary of State Gessler!

Poo On Voters: Four Great Ways the #GOP Protects Us from Voting!

Walker / Poo: Two of a Kind!

Have you ever made a bad decision?

• Did you marry the wrong person?
• Did you buy a car that turned out to be a lemon?
• Do you get your girlfriend pregnant, or have a baby yourself by a guy who turned out to be a total loser?

Of course you have! People like you make big mistakes all the time! So why would you want to vote?
Voting is DANGEROUS!  And yet some people want EVERYONE to vote. But you know this is a mistake. Only the RIGHT people should vote, and that doesn't include you, or anyone like you. Preferably, only rich people should vote  - mostly men in suits with good hair, like you see on TV - because they're rich, so they know better than you what is good for you. Right? It only makes sense!
Luckily, one political party has stood up for your right not to vote, and is working night and day to stop you from voting. That is the Republican Party, the Champion of the Right Not To Vote!
Here are the TOP THREE GREAT THINGS that today's Republican Party is doing to help PROTECT you from the DANGERS of voting!
1. Block College Students from Voting. College students are old enough to die for our country, but letting them vote could result in fewer wars, which would be a disaster! To avoid this danger, states such as Ohio are systematically working to keep students from registering to vote or to use college IDs as proof that they exist. Die for our country: yes! but vote for our leaders: no!

2. Order public officials NOT to help you get a voter ID.  Republican Governor Scott Walker is a TITAN in the fight to suppress voting. His administration ordered public workers NOT to help voters get voter ID ! And then, when a public worker tried to help voters anyway, Walker's team courageously fired him!
3. Criminalize voter registration drives. It used to be that organizations like the League of Women Voters would register people to vote at supermarkets or libraries. What was the result? the wrong people started voting - people who shop in supermakets, instead of having personal shoppers! Fortunately, states like Florida have shut down the League of Women Voters by imposing fines on their registration efforts. This is a great idea, because the league was sometime registering poor people to vote! How sick it that? Remember: if you don't have a job, you should not vote. Voting means you are influencing the course of our nation, and if you're out of work, do you really want that responsibility?
4. Force voters to bring their birth certificate to register to vote. Remember, it says right in the constitution: if you don't have a birth certificate, you don't have the right to vote. Too many people lose their birth certificate over a lifetime of moving place to place (do you know where yours is now?), and with that loss, you lose the right to vote. You still have to pay your taxes but you don't get representation. TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION is a basic American value!
With the help of these amazing Republican initiatives, we can prevent the wrong people from voting - and that probably includes you. People who are too old to drive a car are too old to vote! People who live in a city with good enough public transportation that you don't need a car to get around should not vote!
Government is a big pile of poo, so why not leave it up to people like me who are full of it anyway?

#GOP Support Death As A Choice!

Ron Paul's Faces
A Flaming Bag of Poo!

At tonight's GOP/TeaParty debate in Florida, the moderator asked Ron Paul whether a 30-year-old man who goes into a coma and has no health insurance should get health care, or should just die.
Ron Paul said his advice would be for the man to get health insurance, and denounced the idea of "taking care" of the guy.The moderator insisted on an answer; should we just let the guy die?
The audience replied, "Yeah!"
This is really a very pro-choice position. Everyone choose whether or not to buy health insurance. Some people choose to spend their money on other things, such as food or rent. Some choose to be unemployed, and there are even millions who choose to be mentally ill or physically crippled.
All these things are choices. Mitt Romney chose to be rich, Rick Perry chose to balance Texas' budget with federal "stimulus" money. Santorum chose to have a google problem. Newt Gingrich chose a new, younger, richer wife ... several times ... generally while still married - what could be more pro-choice than that!
Affordable health care is bad because it takes away choices. If you deny the people the choice of being unable to afford medical care, they will be denied the sweet, sweet comfort of the grave and early entrance into the eternal bliss that is the afterlife. So-called Obamacare is nothing more than an attempt to keep people away from their heavenly reward, and should be opposed on that ground alone.
Therefore it is refreshing to see the Republican Tea Party forthrightly agree that a young person with no health insurance should have the freedom to die, rather than endure the suffocating grasp of health care.
America should listen well to these people; if they have their way, you'll be reunited with your dear departed ones as soon as you choose!

Rubio Poo-Poos Healthcare!

Rubio Says: Poo On Healthcare!

Marco Rubio calls Americans "weak" because we have Medicare, Medicaid and other types of healthcare, and he's right.
In the old days, he explained, if you got diabetes or cancer or a broken leg, you didn't have government health care that only made you weak. Instead, you got your family to help out. Your daddy could splint your leg and the guy door next could would give you some good whiskey: problem solved!
You may think I'm full of poo, and you're right, but Rubio really did say,

"These programs weakened us as a people. You see, almost forever, it was institutions in society that assumed the role of taking care of one another.  If someone was sick in your family, you took care of them. If a neighbor met misfortune, you took care of them..."

Rubio is right. The problem with modern medicine it that it relies too much on doctors, pharmaceutical companies, and government. When has a medicine really done anything for you that couldn't be done by your family giving you a slug of whiskey and a bullet to bite on?

Tim Tiny: If You Help Him,
You Weaken America!

In the old days, you might die because your family couldn't afford fancy-dancy medicine. But, well, if it happened ... that was God's will - and the people remaining are stronger without you!

If your kid was born crippled, carving him a crutch only made you stronger! And maybe it would encourage you to go to medical school and learn how to do surgery on his leg, instead of asking the GUMMINT for some prenatal care.
Rubio is Right! get rid of these programs that share the costs of healthcare across our nation! If someone in Louisiana gets diabetes, his family can just make insulin like they did in the old days. If a wave of flu starts carrying off old people in New England, or someone in Florida gets cancer, why should the rest of us care? We as a people are weaker when we save the lives of disease-prone people. MRIs are expensive and cancer-fighting drugs cost way too much!

Only someone who as full of the substance that makes the crops grow could talk like this, and both me and Rubio agree: the problem with health care is that it weakens us!
I therefore WELCOME Marco Rubio to the Republican race for the White House. He would make the perfect vice-presidential candidate.
Vote Poo/Rubio in 2012 to join me in saying: Poo On Medicare!!!

Irene Flames Out: What God Is Telling Us

Me and My New BFF: Irene!

After days of pantswetting excitement over the impending doom of the entire Eastern Seaboard, Hurricane Irene has turned out to be a disaster movie flop, right up there with The Smurfs. But all is not lost.
For, as a conservative political candidate, I talk to God. And God talks to me. And God sent me a message in the form of Hurricane Irene.
You see, we all hear the voice of God but we don't always understand it, because God loves riddles. The proof of this is the entire universe; it's all a giant riddle! Every time you wonder "what the heck is going on?" you're coming just a little closer to understanding the nature of God's world.
Now the way to figure out what God is saying with HURRICANE IRENE is to rearrange its letters:

• Rare Niche Urine: this is a clear reference to the pantswetting fear described above. Although if I may question the Wisdom of the Almighty for a moment, I should like to point out that fear is not all that rare in the media; far from a niche market, it's their biggest seller. So we'll just have to "agree to disagree" on that one.
• Rune Re China Ire  This sign (Rune) is a warning that China is getting angry! I'm not sure why; maybe it's something to do with we're not buying enough of their stuff or shipping them enough of our jobs.
• Hire A Nice Rerun: God is telling America to vote for someone who's run before. You might think that this would be Obama again, or maybe Palin or Romney, but those are all wrong. I, the Flaming Bag of Poo, have been connected with more cases of the runs than anybody. Clearly, God is telling you to VOTE FOR ME!

Poo / Romney in 2012 - Dog Gone It!

Mitt Romney is the obvious pick for a Vice-Presidential candidate, because he has actual experience travelling around with poo flowing over his head. It's true - read about it in "Romney's Cruel Canine Vacation"
What's really exciting about this true story (confirmed by Snopes) is that it proves that not only is Romney not bothered by pal'ing around with poo, but he thinks it's a badge of honor that he can coolly carry on with his plans as the poo flows.

The mark of a leader is to keep on going where he wants to go, regardless of the fact that his actions are literally scaring the shit out of someone who is depending on him - after all, it's only a dog so who cares!

That's a great quality in a Vice-President, because as we all know from the laws of physics and personal experience:

Poo Flows Downhill!

...and with the 2012 Republican ticket, you can be sure there will be a lot of poo flowing!

Perry/Poo in 2012!

Perry, Poo and French Cuffs! Only In America!

I welcome my fellow bag of poo Rick Perry to the Republican Presidential Nomination Race 2012!
Here you can see us together in a recent meeting of the candidates!
You can see right away that Rick is not as flaming as I am, but he has really good hair and he wears cowboy boots like a real tough guy. 
And look at his suits! These are not any old made-in-America suits: these are French Cuffs! SWEEEEET!!!
You won't see Perry in any cheap knock-offs; over at The Style Forum they know he's got the money to show y'all a real good time!
Some people think that a candidate's political views are the most important thing, but let's be honest: most of the field out there is full of poo and more than a few are so fake that they've got to stay away from lighted candles, lest they burst into flames. I'm know what I'm talking about, because I'm the only candidate for the nomination who'll admit what I'm full of, and I'm already on fire!
I have great hopes for Rick Perry. If anyone is full of it, he is! But look at those cuffs and listen to him talk, and you should be thinking, "Watch out, boy, around birthday time. That cake is dangerous for you, if you know what I mean."

Vitality Mitigation Commissions: Don't Call Them Death Panels!

What to wear to your
Vitality Mitigation Commission
hearing.

The Republican National Committee announced that its plan for Medicare uses private-sector Vitality Mitigation Commissions to bring the freedom of the market to everyday medical decisions.

Unlike Death Panels, Vitality Mitigation Commissions (or VMCs) do not determine who lives and who dies. Instead, they merely determine who lives. Whether you die is your own choice.

"Some Americans without medical care will choose to die" said plan architect Paul Ryan. "Others will choose to live with crippling, incurable and/or preventable conditions. This Freedom To Choose is how our Plan saves money - money that for the most part would have been wasted of medicine and medical devices. Most of those medicines are made in foreign countries, so they don't create American jobs. We put the money we save into second vacation homes and corporate jets, which create many jobs for servants right here in America!"

Pundits cheered the introduction of VMCs. "For too long, America has been held captive to Government policies that sent many grandmothers to medical care which often meant they died long after God had called them, and sometimes in a hospice, hospital or assisted care facility," said a man in a suit on TV. "Privatized Vitality Mitigation Commissions, run by health insurance companies, will allow grandmothers to die at home or in the street, surrounded by the medical bills that will reassure their grandchildren that she could have received the technologically best medical care, if only she had not helped put them through college."

The Flaming Bag of Poo 2012 Campaign issued a press release endorsing VMCs. "Vitality Mitigation Commissions" would fit naturally into the Republican Platform," said a spokesman, "Right next to the Flaming Bag of Poo himself!"

Rupert Murdoch Steps In A Flaming Bag of Poo!

Murdoch and
Flaming Bag of Poo

Rupert Murdoch has really stepped in the Flaming Bag of Poo!
Murdoch's operation has been caught bribing police officers to help them listen in on the phonemail of rape victims, of 911 victims and others. The head of Scotland Yard (which is basically comparable to our American FBI) has resigned in disgrace.
There are those who have a problem with Murdoch spreading b.s., and who would like to limit Murdoch's ability to stoke fear and shape  our politics. I disagree with them; you can't make a steak without producing a pile of B.S.! So unless you're some sort of vegetarian, you must support the production of b.s. and what more environmentally sensitive way to dispose of it can there be than to disperse it through NewsCorp?
I stand squarely underneath the mighty foot of Rupert Murdoch: I support his efforts to bring a flaming bag of poo to every home in America!
Murdoch has not yet given me a formal endorsement, but his actions show the kind of America he is looking for: one in which the police take bribes, the press spread fear, and your private telephone calls are for sale to the highest bidder. If that's what Rupert wants, then that's what I want too - a bag of poo like me is willing hold any kind of poo that you put in it - that's why I am the ideal candidate for the Republican nomination!
Thank you Rupert! You are truly an inspiration to flaming bags of poo everywhere!

Budget Ceiling Is A Flaming Bag Of Poo

Debt Ceiling Panic
On While House Lawn

Washington, DC - Security video shows little Eric Cantor and his pal Johnny "Crybaby" Boehner filling a bag of poo, labelling it "Debt Ceiling" and putting it on the White House lawn. They then set it on fire, rang the doorbell and called a press conference to announce that it was Obama's fault.
Old Man Obama opened the door of the White House. "Hey, Obama," said Boehner, "Are you gonna stomp on that flaming bag of poo? Or are you going to let it burn down the White House? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Obama looked cool, but inside he was probably seething. "There is no need to ignore the fact that you started the fire," he started, but Cantor interrupted, "Hey, it's YOUR problem now. Whatever happens, it's your fault. Do nothing, and we burn down the White House, and possibly the nation. But stomp it out, and you'll get poo all over your shoes. Ha-ha!"
Obama pondered. There was still time to think, since although the thing stank terribly, at least nothing else had caught fire yet. "I think we can solve this problem the same as all earlier presidents and Congresses," he said. "Let's get something to pour onto it and put out the flames. I think your friends have a tax deduction for corporate hets; let's start by pouring those tax expenditures on the fire!"
"Oh no you don't," Cantor objected. "If my friends can't get a tax break for flying around in a jet, that's just unfair. That would be mean. You'd be a mean old meanyhead for taking away tax cuts for private jets. How can you ask CEOs and other top men to fly commercial; they might be exposed to the little people, and that would be unfair!"
Boehner silently agreed, but he couldn't speak; the tears were flowing at the thought that he might not get free airplane trips from his friends. How else could they repay him for all the great stuff he'd gotten them - a reading of the Constitution, transparency rules that he always suspended, and the Ryan plan to turn Medicare over to private insurers. It  was so unfair of mean old Obama!
."Let's try one more thing," said Obama. "If we return to the tax rates of Ronald Reagon, that'll pretty much put out that flaming bag of poo.
"No way!" said Cantor. "Ronald Reagan was a liberal! Did you know he actually talked to the head of the Soviet Union and he raised taxes seven times"
Meanwhile, scientists at the Naval Observatory reported a magnitude 7 quake originating from Simi Valley, California. "Oh, that's just  Reagan" said a scientist, "Whenever one of his spiritual descendants refuse to raise taxes to pay for programs, he spins in his grave. The was things are going, we' hook him up to a generator, we could close down all our nukes!"

Top Five Reasons To Vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012

Vote Flaming Bag of Poo!

Hello fellow Americans!
I'm sure you've all met me at various times, generally on a porch or campground across our great nation, where our time together was short, but memorable. Today, thanks to the Internet, I can present my case without you worrying that it'll stick to the bottom of your shoe. So here they are: the top five reasons to vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012:
5. Honesty.
With my candidacy for President, I open a new era in politics, one in which we can speak honestly and openly about who we really are and what's inside us. Most of the people running for President are full of the same stuff that I am, but are afraid to admit it. I'll say it straight out: I am full of poo! What other candidate is so honest? 
4. Jobs.
Most of the people running for President have no idea about what might get you a decent job, and care even less, but they won't say it because they'd get stomped in the polls. Well, I'm not afraid of that; I've been stomped before, possibly by you. But more to the point, I've never shipped one single job overseas, or sponsored tax breaks for corporations that do it. The stench of job exports isn't coming from the soles of my shoes!
3. History
I've been around American politics for a long, long time. Some of our Founding Fathers were great pranksters - Ben Franklin in particular. When the Declaration of Independence was being debated in the hot, humid Philadelphia summer, someone had to raise moral by bringing a laugh! I'm not naming any names, but if you look very closely at John Trumbull's painting of the signing of the Declaration, you'll see a few spots on somebody's socks!
2. Practical Experience.
They other candidates say that they're going to balance the budget AND cut taxes, without fighting fewer wars or cutting elderly people's Social Security or tax breaks for corporate jets. Everyone knows that's just crazy; everyone knows you can't put ten pounds of poo in a five-pound bag. But only I have actual experience in this area; I am a five-pound bag that someone tried to put ten pounds of poo into. Do you know what it's like to get fed so much fecal matter ... and then they set you on fire! If you've been working in America for the past couple of decades, you know what I'm talking about!
1. It's Not My Pants That Are On Fire!
The 2012 race is setting new records for the number of crazy statements by Presidential candidates that are not merely false, but so amazingly untrue that they are easily debunked - making them not a merely misstatement or slip of the tongue, but a full blown pants-on-fire lie! You're NEVER catch me in a pants-on-fire lie, because I don't have pants and I'm already on fire!
Remember:
For 2012, vote Flaming Bag of Poo!