Budget Ceiling Is A Flaming Bag Of Poo

Debt Ceiling Panic
On While House Lawn

Washington, DC - Security video shows little Eric Cantor and his pal Johnny "Crybaby" Boehner filling a bag of poo, labelling it "Debt Ceiling" and putting it on the White House lawn. They then set it on fire, rang the doorbell and called a press conference to announce that it was Obama's fault.
Old Man Obama opened the door of the White House. "Hey, Obama," said Boehner, "Are you gonna stomp on that flaming bag of poo? Or are you going to let it burn down the White House? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Obama looked cool, but inside he was probably seething. "There is no need to ignore the fact that you started the fire," he started, but Cantor interrupted, "Hey, it's YOUR problem now. Whatever happens, it's your fault. Do nothing, and we burn down the White House, and possibly the nation. But stomp it out, and you'll get poo all over your shoes. Ha-ha!"
Obama pondered. There was still time to think, since although the thing stank terribly, at least nothing else had caught fire yet. "I think we can solve this problem the same as all earlier presidents and Congresses," he said. "Let's get something to pour onto it and put out the flames. I think your friends have a tax deduction for corporate hets; let's start by pouring those tax expenditures on the fire!"
"Oh no you don't," Cantor objected. "If my friends can't get a tax break for flying around in a jet, that's just unfair. That would be mean. You'd be a mean old meanyhead for taking away tax cuts for private jets. How can you ask CEOs and other top men to fly commercial; they might be exposed to the little people, and that would be unfair!"
Boehner silently agreed, but he couldn't speak; the tears were flowing at the thought that he might not get free airplane trips from his friends. How else could they repay him for all the great stuff he'd gotten them - a reading of the Constitution, transparency rules that he always suspended, and the Ryan plan to turn Medicare over to private insurers. It  was so unfair of mean old Obama!
."Let's try one more thing," said Obama. "If we return to the tax rates of Ronald Reagon, that'll pretty much put out that flaming bag of poo.
"No way!" said Cantor. "Ronald Reagan was a liberal! Did you know he actually talked to the head of the Soviet Union and he raised taxes seven times"
Meanwhile, scientists at the Naval Observatory reported a magnitude 7 quake originating from Simi Valley, California. "Oh, that's just  Reagan" said a scientist, "Whenever one of his spiritual descendants refuse to raise taxes to pay for programs, he spins in his grave. The was things are going, we' hook him up to a generator, we could close down all our nukes!"