Top Five Reasons To Vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012

Vote Flaming Bag of Poo!

Hello fellow Americans!
I'm sure you've all met me at various times, generally on a porch or campground across our great nation, where our time together was short, but memorable. Today, thanks to the Internet, I can present my case without you worrying that it'll stick to the bottom of your shoe. So here they are: the top five reasons to vote for Flaming Bag of Poo in 2012:
5. Honesty.
With my candidacy for President, I open a new era in politics, one in which we can speak honestly and openly about who we really are and what's inside us. Most of the people running for President are full of the same stuff that I am, but are afraid to admit it. I'll say it straight out: I am full of poo! What other candidate is so honest? 
4. Jobs.
Most of the people running for President have no idea about what might get you a decent job, and care even less, but they won't say it because they'd get stomped in the polls. Well, I'm not afraid of that; I've been stomped before, possibly by you. But more to the point, I've never shipped one single job overseas, or sponsored tax breaks for corporations that do it. The stench of job exports isn't coming from the soles of my shoes!
3. History
I've been around American politics for a long, long time. Some of our Founding Fathers were great pranksters - Ben Franklin in particular. When the Declaration of Independence was being debated in the hot, humid Philadelphia summer, someone had to raise moral by bringing a laugh! I'm not naming any names, but if you look very closely at John Trumbull's painting of the signing of the Declaration, you'll see a few spots on somebody's socks!
2. Practical Experience.
They other candidates say that they're going to balance the budget AND cut taxes, without fighting fewer wars or cutting elderly people's Social Security or tax breaks for corporate jets. Everyone knows that's just crazy; everyone knows you can't put ten pounds of poo in a five-pound bag. But only I have actual experience in this area; I am a five-pound bag that someone tried to put ten pounds of poo into. Do you know what it's like to get fed so much fecal matter ... and then they set you on fire! If you've been working in America for the past couple of decades, you know what I'm talking about!
1. It's Not My Pants That Are On Fire!
The 2012 race is setting new records for the number of crazy statements by Presidential candidates that are not merely false, but so amazingly untrue that they are easily debunked - making them not a merely misstatement or slip of the tongue, but a full blown pants-on-fire lie! You're NEVER catch me in a pants-on-fire lie, because I don't have pants and I'm already on fire!
Remember:
For 2012, vote Flaming Bag of Poo!